Grief During the Holidays: How to Cope
By Karen Peterson, LCSW-R, PMH-C
“Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done,or sorrow for a mishap to oneself”, according to the American Psychological Association. Grief and bereavement are universal experiences but how everyone experiences grief can vary greatly. How and when those feelings of grief surface will vary among people, according to the Mayo Clinic.
When I was 22 years old, I experienced the untimely death of my father. He was just 47 years old. This year, I am officially older than he lived to be. The fact that he died on December 23rd only compounded the sadness my family and I experienced. We went through our first Christmas without him two days later, still trying to come to terms with our loss. My family then sat through a wake for two days and attended a mass filled with poinsettias, Christmas trees and sacred Christmas songs. We buried my beloved father on December 28th, among the hundreds of Christmas grave blankets left by other grieving families. As you might expect, the death of my dad is now so deeply woven into Christmas for my family.
That first year following my dad’s passing was extremely difficult. It was the first time I celebrated our birthdays, Easter, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving and so much more without him. It wasn’t just the big holidays that were hard either. So many little, everyday things brought back strong memories of my dad. The grief of his loss felt heavy and it left me feeling sad and vulnerable. Life was forever different.
Going forward, I had a decision to make about how I was going to deal with my grief, honor my father, and keep Christmas traditions alive. When Christmas rolled around that first year after, I chose to honor my dad’s memory by acknowledging him and everything he meant to us, especially at Christmas. I wrote a poem for my family, filled with funny memories, and special things I loved about my dad. I printed it on Christmas paper, rolled it up in a scroll and tied it with red and green ribbons. I read it on Christmas Eve to our family and extended family. We hung doves on the Christmas tree, as he once raised pigeons and doves were the closest you could find in an ornament. We bought his favorite holiday cookies and played his favorite music. We told “Georgie” stories through our laughter and tears. Fortunately, this allowed me to express my grief in a way that felt good. It was healing for others in my family, as well. However, not everyone felt the same way. For some, acknowledging the loss was too painful for some and they needed space. As a family, we went through this together, though we each had our own experience of grief.
It’s been said that this kind of grief never leaves you. This has been true for me. However, I’ve been able to build my life around the grief of losing such an important part of my life so soon. I’ve held on to the sacred things and added to the foundation that was built through my relationship with my dad while he was here. If you are feeling the pain of something you’ve lost in your life, my heart is with you.
Here are some suggestions for coping with grief during the holidays:
Set realistic expectations for yourself.
Surround yourself with people who love and support you.
Share your plans with family and friends and let them know of any changes in holiday routines.
Take care of yourself. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate your mood.
Physical exercise is often an antidote for depression. Writing in a journal can be a good outlet for your grief.
Create a new tradition or ritual that accommodates your current situation.
Some people find comfort by honoring traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. Discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year.
Set boundaries with holiday events.
While there may be pressure to attend a holiday party, family gathering, holiday show- remember to check in with your wants and needs to identify your readiness.
Commit to something that sounds fun while reminding yourself that you don’t have to stay the entire time.
It is also okay to opt-out of certain things altogether. Finding a balance between engaging and not pushing yourself is important.
Honor old traditions & honor memories.
Continue with old traditions that existed in order to honor and celebrate the individuals who are no longer here. This is a helpful way to keep their memory present.
Create new traditions.
Creating new traditions can be healing for individuals who are grieving. Making new memories does not erase old memories.
Ask for help & support.
The holiday season often adds additional tasks to people’s to-do lists that can be overwhelming at the best of times. When you’re grieving, holiday tasks may feel like too much. If the task is one that is important to you but that you don’t have the energy to complete, ask a friend or family member for help.
Tell others what you need as specifically as possible.
The holidays may be a time to slow down, to connect, and perform traditions. But what happens when someone you love may not be there? When experiencing loss on special days, you have full permission to note what was, what is, and what you want the future to be in honor of the people who cannot make it.
Include your children in planning.
Children aren’t always aware of the conversations going on around the person who has died and adults’ grief, and it can appear to them that no one is remembering or grieving their loss. Setting aside time and creating rituals around remembrance can reassure them that their loss and grief are real and valid.
Don’t rush your grief.
Try to remember that grief isn’t something you need to rush through or push away. Recalling fond memories of previous holidays when your loved one was here can be a healthy part of this holiday.
Talk to a therapist.
Talking with a therapist can help you identify and address any mental health concerns. A therapist can also provide a safe, non-judgemental space to process your grief, offering tools and perspectives that are tailored for your experience.
There is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one. Remember that you will have your own unique experience and healing journey in the days, months and years ahead. It’s my sincere wish this Holiday season that you give yourself what you need to rebuild your life, experience healing and find joy again along the way.
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