Clinician Spotlight: Nicole Piervencenti, LMHC, PMH-C
Our Assistant Clinical Director, Nicole Piervencenti, is our resident couples expert at Passages. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C) , and is Level II trained in the Gottman Method of couples therapy. I sat down with Nicole to talk about her love for working with couples and why couples therapy can be so helpful.
Where did your interest in working with couples come from?
I would like to say it came from some positive influence in my life, but it probably came from growing up with parents that had a super tumultuous marriage. As I was going through my training in mental health counseling, I became really interested in the behavior of couples choosing to be together in a committed relationship and the challenges they face. I have learned through the years, one of the greatest gifts you can give kids is a model of a healthy relationship so they know what to expect and learn healthy ways to communicate.
What do you love about working with couples?
I enjoy meeting couples that are stuck around an everyday challenge, like simple communication, and watching them learn and implement new tools in their relationship. It is so gratifying to see couples make positive changes, both inside and outside of our sessions.
I also love watching couples learn how to make their relationship a priority. It can be so challenging to find time for each other, trying to juggle kids, work and all of the responisbilites. Amazing things can happen when couple start to nurture their relationship and find time for connection.
What frustrates you about working with couples?
Similar to individual therapy, when there is resistance to couples therapy and one or both parties are not committed to the process. It is hard to do productive couples work when someone is not open to working on the relationship. Also, it is frustrating when couples wait too long to seek help and they are already “checked out” or are too deep in their contempt to be open to change.
How would you describe the Gottman approach to couples therapy?
I love the Gottman Method because it is so concrete and teaches couples tools they can use everyday to improve their relationship, inside and outside of our sessions. The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy. It starts with a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship, and integrates interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory. In 1986, John Gottman and his colleaugues created an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington, nicknamed the “Love Lab”. This is where they discovered the basis of friendship and intimacy and its relation to conflict. With that work they discovered how couples create and maintain friendship and intimacy and how it’s related to conflict.
The goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy; and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.
What is your favorite technique to use with couples?
I often use Gottman’s “Dreams Within Conflict” exercise with couples. It is a great tool to use when a couple is stuck on an ongoing or re-occuring issue. Essentially, one partner interviews the other using a series of questions to help understand underlying dreams, history, beliefs, or values on this issue. For example, I might use this technique with a couple that is constantly arguing about finances. It can help uncover the meaning money may have had previous to the relationship in their own past and how it might be contributing to their current conflict.
What makes couples therapy effective?
Couples are not always able to connect their feelings and emotions to how they behave or how they treat their partner. In couples therapy, we try to bring awareness to how these things relate and connect. Our sessions are a designated time and place to focus on your relationship with no outside distractions, which is hard to find among the day to day chaos of life. My hope is to help couples appreciate their partner and help them see the best in each other, not the worst version of themselves.
What would you say are the top 3 challenges you see with couples?
Aside from sex and money which are always at the top of the list, I would say communication, making assumptions about what your partner is thinking or what they need, and parenting conflicts are the most common issues I see in my work with couples.
What does a typical couples session look like with you?
My primary goal is to help couples feel comfortable during the first session. Most couples come in for the first time and are unsure of what to expect so I try to use humor and build a rapport with couples in the beginning. Our sessions are structured and focused on the current issues bringing couples to therapy. We discuss what worked and didn’t work since the previous session and develop a plan for the upcoming week based on what needs to be different to work towards their goals. I love to give homework so couples can practice tools we discuss in session and maximize treatment effectiveness. For example, for a couple working on connection, I may suggest creating rituals together in their day to day life. Implementing new ways to say goodbye to each other in the morning or goodnight before bed are great ways to build in rituals of connection.
What would you say to a couple considering seeking therapy together?
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose! If you are struggling in your relationship and you have not tried couples counseling, you owe it to each other to exhaust all options for support before deciding to end the relationship. No relationship is perfect, but sometimes even small improvements can really help improve the quality of a relationship and connection. What if it helps…
What is one thing you practice in your own relationship that you recommend to couples?
My husband have always tried to value and prioritize our relationship. It isn’t always easy, especially when our kids were younger. If we couldn’t get a sitter to go out, we would set the kids up with a movie and let them know we were having a “date night in” to find some time together. We continue to try and honor our relationship and help each other feel like a priority, especially when we have so much going on with work, the house and all of the things!
What is your favorite resource to recommend to couples you work with?
The Gottman Institute is a great resource for couples. Their website is chock full of information and resources for couples based on the research and work of John and Julie Gottman. I also suggest following them on Instagram and Facebook, their posts and blogs are great reminders and reinforcements of the work we are doing in sessions.
I also recommend the book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman, as a tool to understand how you and your partner give and receive love, which can often be very different! It is a great way to start the conversation about your needs and how to appreciate your partner’s needs as well.
What is one step anyone can take today to improve their relationship?
I would say the simplest thing anyone can do is to make some time for your partner and ask them how they are doing. It sounds so basic, but to make an effort to really connect and listen to them. Be curious. Be present. It’s amazing how sometimes the even the smallest steps can make a big impact.
Working on your relationship doesn't need to be a tedious task. By incorporating some humor and playfulness into your conversations, you can make your connection even stronger. The key is to rememeber that communication should be a shared journey of laughter, understanding, and love.
If you are interested in improving your relationship, click on the link below to learn more about couples therapy at Passages or to schedule a session with Nicole Piervencenti, LMHC, PMH-C.
