How To Support a Friend Grieving Perinatal Loss
It’s understandable that you might have a hard time knowing how to support a friend who has just gone through pregnancy loss or infant death. Death and dying is an uncomfortable subject for most people. That discomfort is compounded when it’s the loss of a pregnancy or death of an infant. It’s often unthinkable and scary, even when it hasn’t happened to you. You can imagine how incredibly painful the experience is for the parents who lost their baby. Still, pregnancy and infant loss are not uncommon events. Sadly, 1 in 4 families will lose a baby in pregnancy or birth. Your friends are not alone, although they may feel that way. Below are some ways to be there for a friend who has experienced this difficult and traumatic loss (March of Dimes).
Show Up and Speak Up
Don’t avoid your friends who have just gone through this loss. While they may need privacy and space to grieve, they still need your support. Acknowledge their loss. A mother has just given birth. She may be recovering physically, as well as emotionally. Send a text or a card. Send comforting gifts focused on self-care for mom and her partner. Ask them if it’s OK to stop by. Tell the parents that you’re sorry for their loss and that you are hurting along with them, if you are. Tell them you see their pain and that you are OK with being in that uncomfortable space with them while they grieve, for as long as needed. Check in on them frequently and ask them how they are doing. Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing. A less than perfect attempt to comfort a friend is better than not trying at all. Your expressions of love and support during this difficult time can help parents in their healing journey. Your avoidance or attempt to give them space can leave your friends feeling isolated, which can compound their grief. Being present and allowing your friends the space to grieve validates the deep love they feel for the child they have lost.
Don’t Say or Do These Things
Responses such as, “everything happens for a reason” are not helpful to grieving parents. This can convey the idea that their child didn’t matter. Their grief is real and profound and rationalizing why it happened doesn't help minimize the pain. Grieving parents have expressed the following responses from others as upsetting. It would be helpful not to:
Refer to the baby as ‘it’
Avoid your friends or ignore/pretend the loss didn’t happen (unless they specifically tell you they would rather not talk about it)
Imply that having another baby will make it better – saying things such as “you’re young, you will have another one” – try to remember that although they may have another pregnancy in the future, it will not be a replacement for this baby they loved and lost
Talk about faith and religion if they are not religious – such as “he/she is with the angels” or “it is God’s will”
Refer to other children they may have, by saying “at least you have…” in an attempt to ease their pain, as if the lost child doesn’t matter because there is still a living child
You may feel the burden of alleviating their pain, but know that you can’t. Take comfort in knowing your expressions of love and support are all you need to offer (Tommys.org).
Provide Practical Support
Many people going through grief don’t have the energy or mental focus to know what it is that they need. They may not have the capacity to care for themselves, as they normally do. It may be hard for them to ask for help. Offer your concrete support, such as cleaning their house or grocery shopping. Don’t be offended if they say no and want to be alone as they grieve. Cook meals for your friends. If they are not accepting visitors, leave food on their doorstep. Send gift cards for a local grocery store or restaurants that deliver. Organize a meal train of frozen meals that they can warm up in the weeks and months ahead. Continue to offer support after the initial weeks following their loss. Many grieving couples receive the most support immediately following their loss. However, they report that support is less frequent a few weeks and months later, as the reality of their loss continues to set in. Keep showing up. Send cards or a momento at special anniversaries, birthdays or holidays are likely to be painful. Parents who have lost a child will not be reminded of their grief by you, as they report thinking about their child every single day, regardless. Your recognition of their pain and their love of their child can be validating and comforting.
Talk About Their Baby
Bereaved parents are grieving because they loved their child that they have lost. Be open to talking about their baby. Refer to their baby by name, if they have one. Let them tell you about what happened to their baby if they want to share their story. Ask to see a photo if they have one. Comments on their eyes, their little feet, or resemblance to mom or dad, as you would a living child. Grieving parents have been robbed of the opportunity to raise their child as they dreamed they would. Losing a baby is not just the instantaneous grief, it’s also prospective grief – those moments and milestones they will never have. Remember their loss as the months and years go by. If they were able to spend time with their baby after they were born, these moments may be precious and treasured. Let them tell you how it felt to hold them, bathe them and dress them. They may have a memory box that they want to share with you. Follow their lead as you listen to their story. Its’ okay to be yourself and respond from the heart. Cry with them if you feel sad, smile and express your tenderness at the special memories, as you would at any other sacred moment with a friend.
Most importantly, just be there. There is nothing you can say or do to take away their grief. You will not find the perfect words to say. But, you can be a good friend. A good friend shows up, is a shoulder to cry on and accepts their friend just as they are. A good friend can listen and sit in the dark with them, without trying to “fix” or take away their pain. Grief is a normal process and there is no way around it, only through it. The journey is more bearable when a friend doesn’t have to face it alone. Stay the course and keep showing up with your love and support.
Resources:
Share: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support
If you or someone you love has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or an infant and is seeking support, please reach out to us!
You are not alone!