By Michelle Button, LCSW-R, PMH-C

Perinatal loss—whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of an infant soon after birth—is a devastating and deeply personal experience. The loss of a child during or soon after pregnancy is often accompanied by profound grief, confusion, and a range of emotional and physical responses. In our society, such losses can be misunderstood or minimized, leaving parents feeling isolated in their pain.

This blog aims to provide insight into the grief process associated with perinatal loss and offer compassionate suggestions for coping. Every individual and family will grieve differently, and that’s okay. If you are going through this or supporting someone who is, I hope this guide provides some comfort and understanding.

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve

Grief following a perinatal loss is valid and complex. It’s important to acknowledge that your loss is real, even if others around you don’t fully understand it. Common feelings include sadness, anger, guilt, and even shame. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Some days you may feel overwhelmed by emotion, while other days you may feel numb.

What you can do:

  • Acknowledge your loss. It can help to name your baby, if that feels right, or create some other personal acknowledgment.

  • Talk about your grief. Share your feelings with trusted loved ones, a support group, or a therapist who specializes in grief or perinatal loss.

  • Cry if you need to. Crying can be a healthy release. Try not to hold back your emotions for the sake of others’ comfort.

2. Take Care of Your Physical Health

The body and mind are intricately connected, especially when it comes to loss. The physical aspects of pregnancy and birth can leave you feeling exhausted or in pain, and the emotional toll can amplify these feelings.

What you can do:

  • Rest when you need to. Your body is still recovering from pregnancy, whether early or late, and rest is crucial.

  • Maintain good nutrition. Even though it might be hard to eat, try to nourish your body with nutritious meals.

  • Move gently. Light physical activity, such as walking, yoga, or stretching, can help alleviate physical tension and boost your mood, when you're ready.

3. Create Rituals for Healing

Creating a personal ritual can help with the healing process. This doesn’t need to follow any prescribed format—it’s about finding meaning and allowing space for your grief. Whether through spiritual, cultural, or individual traditions, rituals offer an opportunity to honor the life of your baby and provide closure.

What you can do:

  • Hold a private or small memorial. Invite close family and friends to join you if you feel comfortable. You can read a letter or poem, light a candle, or share a memory of your pregnancy.

  • Create a memory box. Include items such as an ultrasound photo, baby blanket, or any other keepsakes that remind you of your baby.

  • Plant a tree or garden. Watching something grow and thrive can symbolize hope and renewal amidst grief.

4. Reach Out for Support

One of the hardest parts of perinatal loss is the sense of isolation that can come with it. Many people are unsure how to respond to such a loss, and well-meaning comments can feel dismissive or hurtful. Surrounding yourself with compassionate support can make all the difference in the healing process.

What you can do:

  • Join a support group. There are many online and in-person groups specifically for parents who have experienced perinatal loss. It can be helpful to connect with others who truly understand what you’re going through.

  • Seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can guide you through this difficult time, helping you process your grief and make sense of the wide range of emotions you may be experiencing.

  • Lean on family and friends. Although they may not fully understand, share your grief with those who care for you. Let them know how they can support you—whether that’s by listening, helping with daily tasks, or giving you space when you need it.

5. Be Gentle with Yourself

Grief is not linear, and there is no timeline for healing. Some days will feel easier, while others may be overwhelming. Understand that healing is a process, and it’s okay to experience ups and downs.

What you can do:

  • Avoid self-judgment. Don’t pressure yourself to “move on” or “get over it” too quickly. Honor your grief and give yourself permission to feel everything without judgment.

  • Set boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations or conversations that feel too painful. Protecting your emotional energy is important during this time.

  • Find small moments of joy. As time goes on, moments of happiness may start to appear again, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel joy without guilt—it doesn’t mean your grief is any less important.

6. Include Your Partner in the Healing Process

Partners often experience perinatal loss differently, and sometimes they may feel overlooked or unsure how to help. This can create distance in the relationship during an already difficult time. Opening up a space for both of you to grieve, express your feelings, and support each other can strengthen your bond during this period.

What you can do:

  • Share your feelings openly. Even if your partner’s emotions seem different from yours, create space for open communication. They may be grieving in a way that is unique to them, and both of your experiences are valid.

  • Seek couples counseling. This can help if you feel that the loss has impacted your relationship or if you’re struggling to connect with each other in your grief.

7. Honor Your Baby's Memory

Although your baby may not have had the chance to live outside the womb or for very long, their presence has left an imprint on your life. Many parents find comfort in honoring their baby’s memory as part of their healing journey.

What you can do:

  • Create a tribute. Whether it’s a simple act of lighting a candle on significant dates or dedicating a piece of art, honoring your baby’s memory can be a source of peace.

  • Participate in awareness events. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and participating in walks, vigils, or other events can be a way to remember your baby and connect with a larger community.

Perinatal loss is a heartbreaking experience that deserves care, compassion, and understanding. Coping with this type of grief can feel like an overwhelming journey, but with time, support, and self-compassion, healing is possible. Remember that your grief is valid, and it is okay to seek help when needed.

If you or someone you know is struggling with perinatal loss, please reach out to us for support. Our clinicians have specialized training in maternal mental health and perinatal loss. You don’t have to go through this alone!

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